Sun, Sep 18, 2022

mood: bored

i'm feeling rather hopeless tonight, i spent ages designing the simplest of webpages and this is what i ended up with. i think it will do for a first attempt, but there's always room for improvement. honestly, i'm a tiny bit proud of myself! i learned the extreme basics of a new skill, and that's really cool to me! i can't believe i'm going to work tomorrow. ugh, it's when i tend to derealize the most, i swear to god. life hasn't been very eventful lately, but that much was fucking obvious. in other news, yesterday was pretty cool up until the night. i watched zombieland, zathura, and a fuck-ton of youtube. i went down this rabbithole of videos where people talked about shit that scared them as a kid. that type of stuff is so interesting. fuck, i'm excited for traumathon this year, the series by goose boose. good stuff man. i love how i'm writing this as if i'm under the impression that it has an audience. that's so funny LOL. god my head hurts. though lately there's been a lot of headaches in my life. the soul-crushing loneliness is getting pretty hard to cope with ngl. like fuck. god. saying god reminds me of how i'm not religous but i find religous imagery fascinating; angels, crosses, that typa junk. honestly this has nothing to do with anything. kinda hard for me to think of something to write about today. i'm tired after all this amateur coding. hopefully i'll be back tomorrow. i actually wanna make this into a thing i check into often and when needed. that'd be neat! plus maybe i'd get use out of the hours i spent making this site. LOL.


Mon, Sep 19, 2022

mood: tired

i couldn't wait to log back on and make another entry. i mean, nothing exciting happened, i just find this to be a pretty fun and exciting new hobby, LOL. my eyes are heavy and the day barely even began, but i'm still counting now as the next day since it's after 12am. i took off my hoodie and looked at my arm.

i'm excited for this project. the project being this site, y'know? i'm gonna work hard to make it look better, and i'm actually super excited that i'm learning a thing or two about coding. as an autistic person, i'm kinda eating it up LOL. anyways, i'm establishing a rule from here on out. i'm not allowed to edit or delete or add anything to or from entries after the day i wrote them passes. even typos, LMAO. hopefully there won't be too many of those. i'm teaching myself coding. basic html coding, but still, something about that puts a smile on my face. i needed a new hobby to spend some time on. i'm glad i decided to do this. geez i'm getting tired, and i'm gonna take some time to spruce stuff up on the website before i hit the hay.


︎***

whoa, i'm surprised at just how much i'm learning. i was able to figure out how to change fonts, so now everything looks a bit better! i can feel myself getting more and more familiarized with all this coding stuff, and i'm actually satisified with myself! like, wow, i can't believe i was actually able to do all this, it feels like i'm raising my child or something. i like the site just fine so far, i really wanted to change fonts and now that i have it feels a bit more customized! this is honestly a lot of fun, i'm not even gonna lie. like, i'm arguably more excited about the coding part than the actual journal! though i'm glad to have it. wow, i actually feel kinda useful for once. learning a new skill is something i haven't done in a very long time. this is cool, i love it!


Tue, Sep 20, 2022

mood: uneasy

i woke up from a dream this morning; a dream that i believed to be real while i experienced it, a dream where i was happy. i quickly came to realize that this was fiction. my stomach is turning.

on another note, i watched a demo of this new "scratchin melodii" game. genuinely so fucking cool, i love the aesthetics. my parents are going to a concert today. i think i'm just gonna watch more movies and youtube. god, i can't get over how badly my stomach hurts thinking about the dream i had. having good dreams is worse than having bad dreams; because things are finally good, you're finally happy, and when you open your eyes it's all taken from you in an instant.

***

just got back from editing the website a whole bunch. i'm still learning so much, and the site is getting better and better the more i update it. maybe soon enough it'll actually be servicable!

***

my parents left for the concert a while ago. only after they left did i notice my mom (who is a total bitch, and i'm sure i'll elaborate on that more later) fucking stole my combat boots and wore them to the concert without telling me. LMAO, the fact that she didn't think i would notice is really funny ngl.

right now, i'm listening to music that was in lego rock band. which, funny, i know, but that game was an intergral part of my childhood and it has some fucking good songs. god, that 2000's emo type music is really one of my favorites. wnat music i'm obsessed with changes all the time, but as of now, it's looking like the lego rock band soundtrack.


Wed, Sep 21, 2022

mood: decent

just got done doing a bunch of shopping. well, all i bought was an aquarium ds game, some gum, and monster pipeline punch, which i'm trying for the first time today (i've never tried any monster at all). it's actually a lot better than i had expected. i kinda thought it would be gross from what i've heard most people say. the flavor kinda reminds me of mango and orange, and i didn't even know monster was carbonated until now, LOL. yesterday i figured out how to put favicons for this site. pretty neat if i do say so myself. i hope that me and my family actually go somewhere for dinner. it's not often that we actually go and sit down to eat in a restaurant.


Thu, Sep 22, 2022

mood: indifferent

right now i'm listening to that damn pinata song from clarence LOL. it's catchy as fuck, not even gonna lie. in extremely different news, i'm 3 days clean from self harm. there's still a concerning amount of bruises scattered along my arm, in fact even thinking about them is causing my body to tense up and feel weak. honestly, i don't know if anyone is actively reading this (i have my doubts about that) but if so, i'm sorry if all these entries are all boring, or you couldn't find much to care about. my life really seems to mostly just be constantly looping days lately, and writing about anything mildly interesting might help me remember those moments; i have a terrible memory, and this way i just have something to remember some fleeting moments of my life. ok, unrelated (again), but at the moment i'm jamming out to the drawn to life credits song. it's like, lowkey good LMAO

if you couldn't tell, i'm a huge fan of everything nostalgic to me. revisiting things from my childhood gives me this somber yet beautiful feeling. i could go on and on about this, and honestly i probably will one day, but for now, let me just say that nostalgia fills me with a feeling that nothing else could ever come close to. just, memories, experiences, things i used to love, it's all so great to remember. of course, i don't like to think about the bad things, and i tend to try not to. remembering my childhood through rose colored glasses is what i opt to do, but it's not like i can't aknowledge everything traumatic. hell, right now i'm still going through a lot of horrible shit. i.e, the house i've lived in my entire live's condition worsening and worsening every day and never getting fixed. it's horrible, i don't really want to talk much about it. but despite everything, my mental health has been a lot better for the past few days. and i'm not even gonna lie, it was the start of this website that began to help me. it's not like i didn't vent before, but i like this place. i like that i'm learning to do a new thing. it makes me proud of myself. and i'm glad that i can feel that way.


***

i have to go to work in a few hours. not looking forward to that. i'm still listening to nostalgic video game music. i really, really fucking miss the more innocent days, even if in reality they weren't. memories are such a strange thing. how many of them are gone forever, to never be remembered by me? it's that sentiment that makes me appreciate memories a whole lot more. i would give anything just to go back for even a single day. childhood in the 2000's was such a fucking magical thing. i don't think any generation before, or after, will be able to experience a similar feeling. it was the rise of the internet, more technology, everything felt so primitive yet so cool and modern. i'm not trying to be like, "oh, my generation is better than everyone else's", but the 2000's were really the best time to grow up, in my opinion. i'm most certainly blinded by nostalgia though, LOL. though, i do enjoy learning about times i never experienced (ok, mostly the 80's) but still, i have this fondness from the years when everything was just so much better. i'm so fucking sad right now. i hate this feeling yet i can never stop indulging in it. life is so fucking cruel and unfair.

***

what made me incapable of crying? i want to sit here and have a good old fashioned sobbing session, and then i remembered how i can't ever cry naturally anymore. what happened? i'm feeling horrible right now. i hate working. they all infantilize me because of my autism and they all find me weird. why can't i just be a little less like this? i can't hold or start a conversation with any of them. it hurts. it fucking hurts. they made hurtful jokes about me today. i'm not a child, why do they treat me like i have no feelings? i want to cry. i need to cry, but i can't.


Fri, Sep 23, 2022

mood: negative

i can already start to feel things getting worse. you know when you're feeling fine for a few days but then suddenly everything is just as terrible as it was before? yeah, i can feel that starting. it would be pretty nice if i died. i know my life was not good, but i would be quite content with dying. i had enough good experiences that i feel like i'm ok with saying i'd be satisfied to die. i just hate adulthood honestly. still, i want to cry. why can't i? i used to be able to. i haven't grown cold, i've honestly grown more numb. please, i just want to cry.

Sat, Sep 24, 2022

mood: devastated

i cried a little. i cried while listening to my favorite song at the moment. i cried while i touched myself, because it all felt so bad. i was uncomfortable. i don't even know why; i'd done this hundreds of times before. i cried. it was horrible. everything was horrible. i don't ever want to do it again.

***

about 10 minutes ago i decided to check instagram. i randomly remembered this time in 1st grade; there was this boy i had a crush on and eventually we said we were married, LOL. i never talked to him a single time after 1st grade, we were never in another class together. i just went down this rabbithole of seeing the accounts of people i had went to school with. something about it makes me incredibly sad for myself. seeing that some of these people have such exciting lives, man... they travel, they have lots of friends... some of them have families. why am i not not like that? please, i just want to be kind of like that. look, i'm autistic, i've said this before. i wouldn't want to change that for anything, there are so many reasons for that. but fuck. it's times like these where i sit here and wish i wasn't this way. i'm not trying to be mean to myself, but if you could have a life like that, wouldn't you? going to disney, having friends comment silly things on your posts... living in a house that actually has working necessities in it. disney, huh? not once in my life have i been anywhere close to there. everybody's went at least once, right? not fucking me. not fucking me. travelling is something i really want to do. i would do anything just to go all the places i want to. but i can't go by myself, nor do i have enough money to. i mean, maybe i've saved enough money from work to possibly go on a decent trip, but i can't. i can't drive, i don't know how to do anything by myself. i'm pathetic, i'm useless, and i might as well be dead. i'm just taking up the space for any objectively cooler person. i feel like i'm a disappointment to this cruel world.


Sun, Sep 25, 2022

mood: sad

why am i so different from everybody else? why doesn't anybody like me? oh, i know. because neurotypical people don't know how to deal with autistic people. they act like they've never met an autistic person before. maybe they fucking haven't, i sure as fuck wouldn't know. i had a coworker tell me he was scared of me today. scared of me. i'm sorry for being weird, off-putting, uncanny. i feel like nobody even sees me as a fucking human. sometimes i don't even feel like a human. do you know fucking hard life is for someone who is autistic, mentally ill, doesn't know how to do anything... why am i still living, really? nobody can stand me. i don't blame them. i guess i'm scary. i guess i can realistically see why anyone would see me that way, even though i am pretty much in reality the least scary person i know. if only they knew me better. really. i can't fake a laugh, so i don't ever bother trying to laugh. i never willingly start conversations. i just stand against the wall when there's no work to do... yeah, sorry that i'm scary, i guess. i can't fucking help it. i feel like i just have the blankest eyes. i guess when i think about it, it all makes sense. i'm sorry that i can't be more normal. i'm sorry i can't be better. but it's not my fault, it really isn't. i'm not trying to be scary, i don't want to be scary. i don't want everyone to hate me. i just want everyone to not care at all.

***

i'm still so sad and shaken up over some words i claim i don't even care about. i'm not at work to make friends, there's really no reason i should care what they think of me. and for the most part i try to not to even think about the fact that everybody definitely makes fun of me when i'm not around. i've never done anything to them. why does everybody judge me so harshly? they have no idea what i go through in my life, they have no idea i'm struggling to make it through every single day and every. single. day. i just i was dead or had never been born or that that god damn car actually hit me and killed me when i was like 2 years old when my stupid, dumb, reckless piece of shit self decided to go running in the fucking street until i tripped and fell. if i hadn't fell, a car would have hit me and i'd probably be fucking dead right now. every single day i just wish that had been the outcome. because there's so, so much shit i would have never had to deal with. so much fucking shit. is it common to be suicidal no matter what? no matter how good you're doing mentally, even if it feels like a major improvement from the last month, that you still wish you were dead no matter what? because you know life is not going to ever drastically improve. because your parents ruined everything the second they brought you into this world. out of the astronomically low chance that any given person was even given a chance at life, there's far greater of a chance that the stars would have never aligned to make that happen. every single day i wish something had been different. i had every reason to not exist in this world, yet it still happened. why? why me? why why why why why the fuck was it me?

Tue, Sep 27, 2022

mood: terrible

i have been much too horrible for the past couple days to update here. i have nothing to say other than, well, yeah, it's all horrible. i hate living. yeah.

Mon, Oct 24, 2022

today i woke up and thought about attempting. do not worry, i didn't. i guess i'm ok, or as ok as i really can be; which is to say, not very. god, the shit i let slide... having bpd is such a curse. i notice everything. shit i would probably rather be unaware of for my own mental health. but, i am not a confrontational person by any means. i will let almost anything and everything slide, as i hate confrontation, or negative interactions in any way. hell, god knows how much shit is probably a misunderstanding, but i'll never know because i can't fucking speak up. i'm so sick of my life. yesterday i thought about how much better my life could have been if only i was brave enough to speak up about my living conditions a few years ago. since i'm not a minor anymore, i don't think anything can really be done. i'm so fucking traumatized. and that's never going to go away, no matter what i do. i'm not ever going to get a second chance at life, and fuck, i just would love to. it's not that there's nothing at all good about my life, but i'm so mentally scarred and ill that i would leave everything behind if it was easy... i would love to just lay down and sleep, do you ever think about how nice it would be to just close your eyes, fall asleep, and never wake up? yes, i know, that's just dying. which is precisely my point. but i don't think dying is just like sleeping, you won't have dreams, which sucks a lot. and it's not going to be peaceful. trust me, if it was, i would have been gone ages ago. if i could just close my eyes and be like "ok, i want to die now, let's get my body to shut down as i sleep", i would have done it. but i don't want to die in a terrible way. and thinking about it, dying in your sleep is really the only peaceful way... everything else is just, horrible, you know?

***

i can't stop wishing i was dead. you know, i might have said this before but no matter how many things i change in my life, i'm still suicidal. if i make changes to better myself, i still want to actively die. i have no future, i really don't. and this isn't some exaggeration, i'm so fucking serious. i'm never going to get my full potential in life because it was ruined by the way i grew up. i've never really talked about my trauma in depth; yes, there's the trauma of my living conditions, but other family stuff as well. my parents do not care about me, like at all. i cannot tell you any time in my entire life that they told me they love me, or ever asked me how i was doing, or ever like, offered to do something nice just for the hell of it. i actually only realized how fucking damaging this was very recently. i seen a show where someone had a very nice parent, and i was like, wait, people actually... have good parents? i can't even imagine what that could be like. i just wish they loved me. they wouldn't even care if i killed myself. i just fucking know my mom would be all like, "oh, i can't believe she was fucking stupid enough to kill herself, hope she has fun in hell". i'm so sick of it all. i just wanna be normal. please, please, please, please, please. and this is a very touchy subject for me, but the sexual trauma. it went on for over a decade, and only stopped a little less than a year ago. i say i'm a virgin because i absolutely am not factoring these things as sexual experiences, and also, i don't really know what to call what i went through. i was touched, kissed, stuff like that, which is horrible enough, but thank god nothing really went too much farther than that. and yes, even if it didn't it's still obviously an utterly insanely horrible thing to go through, especially for how fucking long it went on. i can't remember everything but it was probably at least upwards of a hundred times. and it ruined me, in ways i will never be able to forget, and it's very likely the reason i would be so sexual online for attention in my early teen years. trauma is such a horrible part of my life, and the fact that it's stuck there forever only encourages me to kill myself more. these are things that i can never truly get better from. it's hopeless. sometimes i wonder what kinds of mental illnesses i have. bpd, i do know for sure, but something like depression, i kinda don't think so. you know, i'm heavily suicidal and not exactly cool with living and many people would probably think that's indicative of depression, but i honestly don't think i'm depressed. i'm not really sad or anything, honestly, i hardly ever feel sadness when i think about it. my main negative emotions seem to be bottled up anger, hopelessness, anxiety, and feeling suicidal. the human mind is so fucking complicated. or is it just mine, because honestly i don't even know anymore. i keep going back to wanting to die in my sleep. i hope i die soon. i really don't see why i should keep living past my teen years.

Tue, Oct 25, 2022

my stomach really really hurts. i feel anxious, and lonely. i feel like i'm going to throw up. i noticed recently a lot of my socks have holes in them. honestly, it's a pretty shitty sensory issue for me. i have to wear socks always, and they really shouldn't have holes. i feel so full of tears that i can't get out. i want to cry everything away. i want my tears to melt my skin and kill me. i want to be held. i want to be told everything's finally better. i want a different life. please, please let me have a different life. please. why do i deserve this punishment? i'm sorry for whatever it is that i've done. i hope one day i wake up and realize that everything was just a dream. when i wake up, it'll be 2006 or something, there will be birds chirping, i won't have a single thought about anything bad, i'll be going to preschool where some girl brought her kitten. i'll be playing with a fake kitchen and dolls and i'll be... feeling like there's something stuck in my throat... sitting at a table, crying, and some kid whose name i can't recall says, "someone's crying..." i wanna go home. i wanna go home. please, i wanna go somewhere i can call my home. i used to have this anxiety even when i was in preschool that it felt like something was stuck in my throat. i remember one time i told my dad about it while he was in his room with what i now know was a fucking bong, lmao. i don't actually remember too much from when i was younger. it's kinda just, random spotty memories like that. nothing's really set in stone. i honestly wish i could forget everything. i want to vomit at the fact that i'm an adult now. you never really think it's ever actually gonna happen; you're gonna just be that kid forever, right? god, life fucking sucks.

***

i don't know how to feel. i'm so lonely. a lot of the time, that's just how it is for me. but when i start to think about it too much it tends to get to me. i want to cry. ugh.

Thu, Oct 27, 2022

my body is shaking like crazy right now. i kinda feel like i could fall over and crash at any given moment. in fact, it's pretty hard to even type this right now. i feel very discombobulated. but i dont know, i wanted to talk about something that happened last night. i was sitting in the kitchen, crying. my mom somehow heard me and well... caught me crying. nobody ever sees me crying, so i felt very uncomfortable. not to mention, this was my mom. the woman who could give less of 2 fucks about me. but she... asked me what was wrong. "did you get hurt?" she asked, and i don't know, it felt comforting, i guess... to hear that for once in my fucking life. i told her that i had a headache, which was mostly a lie, as i can't tell anyone the real reason i was crying; i'm not even going to discuss it here. but do you know how much it means to me that for once in her life, for just a moment, she actually kind of acted like a normal mother? as of right now, i feel fucking terrible. like, "i-wanna-kill-myself" terrible. did i mention how incredibly sick of living i am ever? no? definitely haven't? yeah. it's such a fucking struggle to keep myself alive. i don't want to, and it's just not fair. i feel as if i'm on the verge of death right now, though sadly it was just a poor diet decision and not something that's actually gonna make me drop dead. fuck.

Mon, Oct 31, 2022

today is halloween! i don't have any particular plans but i really like this holiday, and this time of year. i'm probably gonna watch some movies and lots of "spooky themed" youtube videos! i would love to go trick or treating, and i know there's technically no age limit, but i'm "too old" to be going, and it's just never going to be as exciting as it was back in the 2000's. on another note, i was working earlier, and i'm not close or even friends with any of my coworkers. but today, this one girl i work with said, "i wish you would talk more. i love your voice, it's so soothing, like i wish i was a customer in the drive thru today." maybe irl sometimes somebody will say they like my shirt or my outfit or something, but i believe this is the first time somebody in real life complimented me on a personal level. it was very nice to be honest. so, to anyone reading this, giving somebody a compliment in a genuine way definitely has the potential to make them happy! keep that in mind.

Tue, Nov 1, 2022

it's the start of another month, and i'm hoping it's a good one. honestly, my general mood has been extremely well lately. i haven't genuinely lingered on the thought of killing myself for a couple of days at least, and that's always a good thing, haha.

Sun, Jan 1, 2023

so it's a new year. i can't help but be somewhat depressed, as it's not going wonderfully. but it's not too bad either, so i can't really complain yet. i know this is so cliche and shit, but i just want this to be "my year." i want this year to bring me so many good things. and by the way, obviously i'm still alive. i'm just not too keen on updating here anymore. if you're actually keeping up with this, hi. but who am i kidding, nobody is reading this lol. happy new year everyone. hope it's a good one.